Midweek Rant #16: The Man-Bathroom

June 4, 2009

Nothing makes my skin crawl more than when I hear a member of the female sex refer to a negative quality that all men possess.  It comes in many different forms.

“Guys are jerks”

“Men are pigs”

Or the equally immature phrasing, generally used by those under the age of seventeen:

“Boys are stupid”

The basic idea of these phrases can be applied to more specific circumstances.  “Kyle didn’t call you back because men have commitment issues”.  This is when it bugs me the most.  Let’s chalk everything up to that 23rd Pair of Chromosomes!  It’s not that a lot of men don’t have commitment issues, but rather that there’s a lot of factors that go into an individuals unique set of said issues.  It’s disrespectful to commitment issues to treat them as homogeneous, and people who disrespect commitment issues need some schooling.

I don’t think that last sentence came out right.

At this point I fear that I have alientated my female readers, or “readerettes” as they ought to be called.  Now before you go thinking that I’m some sort of misogynist…why don’t you stop crying and start being reasonable, huh lady?  Is it that time of the month?

Whoa – that definitely came out wrong.

Having spent my impressionable adolescent years living with a single working mom, I inevitably acquired some feminist patterns of thought.  My mom is, for lack of a more articulate adjective, badass.  If you’re thinking that I should’ve chosen a more lady-like description, then you must not have had a single working mom.  Single moms don’t need your arbitrarily fluffy admiration.  They’ve got shit to get done.  Throughout the years I’ve encountered a slew Y-Deficient people of all ages that have only reinforced my feminist outlook on life.  It’s kind of weird to call myself a feminist since I’m a dude, but the only other classification that the general populace understands is “tool”.

You can imagine why I avoid Poker Nights.



Fortunately I quit gambling when I was 12, because I really have no idea what to do in these situations.  What makes this kind of banter worse is that it actually gains validity every time I hear a female chalk up a characteristic of an individual as being a function of his Y-Chromosome.  It’s the same thing, just the other way around, and consequently it reinforces everything that’s said on the other side.

Screw that.  Women and Men are definitely different, and that 23rd Pair of  Chromosomes plays a role.  But it’s child’s play in the grand scheme of gender creation.

Now I’ve taken the time to say all this, because for one time and one time only I’d like to let the Y-Chromosome take the heat in the case I’m about to make, with a lone Exhibit.  Perhaps I’ll let it happen once more to even the playing field between the sexes.

Argument: Men like to piss all over everything.

Exhibit A: The Man Bathroom.

By definition, a Man Bathroom must have the following specifications:

–       Single Occupancy

–       Lock on Door

–       1 Urinal

–       1 Toilet

–       Sink (soap optional)

The idea: If you only have a toilet, that means that guys are going to be urinating into the bowl and inevitably, if not unavoidably, onto the seat.  Solution?  Add a urinal.  That way you keep the toilet seat clean.

I can imagine the guys down at the MB Think Tank making fun of Ricky, the new hire fresh out of Skidmore College.  After suggesting that they make the bathroom a double occupancy by simply adding a stall around the toilet, Ricky was condescendingly asked if he liked to take a dump while sitting in piss. 

Adapting his vocabulary for the group that was sure to be playing poker later on, Ricky retorted.

“Well if someone wants to take a piss, they can just use the urinal.”

“What about the second guy in, Ricky Rocket?” chimed the typically taciturn Roger, nine years on the job, seventeen years with the company, eliciting a chorus of chuckles that had been suppressed since Ricky had walked in with his Eco-Friendly Shoes made from Bamboo.

“Well, he can use the toilet, and just lift the seat” responded Ricky, a tad bit apprehensive given the obviousness of the answer.  A seven second pause followed as the group waited for Roger to bring it home with his wry delivery and witty nicknames.  You could practically hear everyone thinking to themselves, Roger’s gonna knock this one out of the park.

Meanwhile, Fidgety Brett, growing concerned that the length of silence was adding credibility to Ricky’s logic, recklessly blurted out what had been on everyone’s mind since Rocky walked in.

“Ricky the Rocket is a tool!”.

And so the Man-Bathroom remained a single-occupancy, and still does to this day.